Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now

From the Onion:

WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible. “Sure, things may look bad right now, but even if the worst happens, it’s only four years we’re talking about here,” said Santa Fe, NM resident Pete Mirenge, one of hundreds of thousands of positive thinkers across the nation who would do everyone a huge goddamn favor by closing their fucking traps right this fucking second and keeping them sealed for the foreseeable future. “This is exactly why we have a system of checks and balances—to ensure that whatever happens in the election, the executive branch never gets too much power. Think about it: Has any president been able to carry out their platform to the letter? No. Nothing’s ever as bad as it seems, believe me.” According to sources, a calm and composed Mirenge—who reportedly has about five seconds before his mouth is shut for him—then added that the country’s been through much worse and everything turned out okay.


Our Polling Model Shows Why You Shouldn’t Give A Fuck About Montana

One can only imagine the immense joy Donald’s wife and children feel for him today.


“It just goes to show you that anything is possible in America.”


8 thoughts on “Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now

  1. We don’t get many articles/editorials that end on pessimistic notes. There seems to be a law that people require an upbeat assessment at the end, never mind how undeserved. Maybe the egos are too fragile to handle the truth. Maybe the cost of Prozac is too high. If pessimism is realistic, then let’s be honest and have it. As for only four years? Just think how much damage can be done in four years! Sorry, not optimistic.

    Trump does not care about the climate. But there are other issues involving animals that concern me. For example, we will be having a Republican President, a Republican Senate, and a Republican House. Will be see more attempts at passing federal ag-gag laws? Will the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act be likely utilized more? Will the SAFE act to stop the slaughter of horses here in the United States and to stop transport to foreign slaughter be voted down? Will the PAST Act to finally prevent the soaring of Tennessee walking horses go down to defeat? Will the fate of potentially endangered species become more precarious?

    I’m obviously no Trump fan. But I believe he is the karma of the Republican and Democratic Estabishments, the ones in their own bubble and echo chambers who could not gauge the mood of the country or recognize the anger of those disenfranchised since Reagan. That is when the steel mills and textile mills and the shoe factories and furniture factories really started to close down here and open in China. That is when we heard of the small farmers who committed suicide as their land was being auctioned off to Big Ag.

    The Establishments could talk of structural unemployment and underemployment as unfortunate consequences of globalization. But they seemed not to pay much attention to disintegrating rural communities and small towns with chained factory gates and a diminishing middle class and a dying American Dream. They could talk of retraining middle-aged workers–you know, get into computers. That’s where the jobs will be. Sure. Until those jobs started going off to India a decade later.

    Well, now we have it. Welcome to Trump’s America. I guess this is where I should say we need to hope for the best. But I won’t.

    NOTE: While watching the election returns last night I was reading “Deer Hunting With Jesus.” That isn’t a book about hunting. It’s about the kind of dismal, poverty-stricken, left-behind communities I imagine had been out voting for The Donald.

  2. “I’m obviously no Trump fan. But I believe he is the karma of the Republican and Democratic Estabishments, the ones in their own bubble and echo chambers who could not gauge the mood of the country or recognize the anger of those disenfranchised since Reagan.”

    Absolutely. And I’m still going to be an optimist; I won’t cave now. We survived eight years of Bush. Looking around me, I don’t think anyone cares about climate. I’d hardly call Hillary a ‘champion’ of climate change. The only reference I heard about it was to make the opposition look bad, not what she would do. The Democrats we have will have to work harder.

    • I think she made a vague reference to ‘green jobs’ (massive solar and wind farms to tear up remaining wildlands to employ people) and framing climate change as believing in science or not believing in science (uneducated deplorable). Not impressed.

      • I agree. Those wind farms are lethal for a lot of birds also. Solar panels take up acres of land to produce an effective amount of energy. The choices are not great, although better than an enlarging ozone hole and more glacial melting.

    • The bad part about climate change, as far as the politicians are concerned, is talking about the sacrifices it would take. We can’t reduce CO2, etc., without giving something up. The wealthy want their McMansions, and just about everyone wants a big gas guzzler. Extractors want jobs, and none of them want to end up like the ex-factory workers whom Trump attracted. I wonder how much pollution came from all the planes used by candidates and their surrogates campaigning for the election!

      • Yes, it’s too late to do anything about climate change, with population growth and all that comes with that such as energy needs, development, food, water needs (that alone is fearsome). That big fire at a Canadian pipeline recently that went on for weeks – here’s reasoning for you – one person was quoted as say that they realize it destroys the environment, but that he needed a job anyway. That about sums it up, I think.

  3. Thanks for a bit of hilarity from the Onion…..I needed this. As for Trump, well maybe he’ll be impeached or assassinated. But then we get dense pence. In either case we are in for neanderthals taking away any pathetic steps toward forward thinking this country has actually made. There will be absolutely no progress on steps to curb global warming from these climate change deniers.
    And to all you Bernie babies who voted for a third party, fuck you…..

  4. The alternative reality party is in office starting January 20, 2016. That party, the GOP, and its leaders and pundits are generally fact free, anti science, belief thinkers (beliefs trump facts). They don’t believe in climate change, neither Trump or Pence, many of their pundits, believe in Creationism not evolution. They chose an ignorant, megalomaniac and he was elected by 1/2 of the American people. He ran his campaign on demagoguery issues and trumped up problems. He has clearly said things that are racist, sexist, xenophobic, fascist, hateful. He in the process of surrounding himself with Wall Street executives, the likes of Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, Chris Christie. Is his election proof of the dumbing down of America? The media was a large part of this reality show. Will the media now normalize these monsters? For sure the environment, wildlife, healthcare accessibility and care, affordable higher education, minority rights, endangered species, public land, national parks and refuges, national forests, international peace,and more are in peril. The “adorable Deplorables” have elected monsters. They needed a voice and should have one. They have been duped by the Trumpism and the GOP again. They and we all most needed a Bernie Sanders.

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