Fossil Records Indicate Early Humans Hunted 25-Foot Giant Paramecium And Other Mega-Protista To Extinction

[WARNING! This is another piece of satire–this time by the Onion. There were never any giant one-celled creatures (except on Star Trek), but if there were you can bet that humans would have hunted them to extinction…]

SPOKANE, WA—Confirming long-held suspicions about the diminutive size of modern-day bacteria, paleontologists at Gonzaga University engaged in an intensive study of the fossil record announced Friday that they had found overwhelming evidence supporting the theory that early humans hunted the 25-foot paramecium and other mega-Protista to extinction. “According to our findings, early humans would routinely hunt giant amoeba, feasting on their cytoplasm and utilizing all organelle parts in the making of tools and garments,” said head researcher Dr. Lorraine Logan, clarifying that the building-sized bacteria had no natural predators, rendering them easy targets for early man armed with rudimentary flint hunting weapons. “My team uncovered the fossilized remains of a masta-paramecium whose cell wall had been pierced with almost two dozen arrows and whose Golgi apparatus had been painstakingly removed with obsidian knives, presumably to fashion into rope and bowstrings. We can also say with some certainty that early man harvested the mega-Protista’s cilia, which grew to impressive lengths in their prehistoric form.” Researchers also found a fossilized paramecium containing fragments of human bone, suggesting that the single-huge-celled organisms regularly fought back.


Impossible Burger Approved To Be Sold In Stores

After receiving regulatory approval from the FDA, the plant-based Impossible Burger has been approved to be sold in supermarkets nationwide, offering an option for environmentally conscious consumers looking for a burger substitute. What do you think?

“It’s like we’re living in the future: an agency that approves the safety of food!”

ARUN TUCKER • TONTINE ARRANGER

“This is pointless until someone invents a vegetarian bun.”

SABRINA HARMON • WISHBONE SPLITTER

“Wow, if you told me 20 years ago that one day we’d be eating plants, I would have called you crazy.”

CORDELIA MERCADO • SHOE REHABILITATOR

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