Santa Grants Dying Child’s One Wish, Sends Hunters to Hell

Jolly old Santa Claus used his in with the Man upstairs when he granted a terminally ill boy’s one Christmas wish. When the child told Santa all he wanted for Christmas was peace on earth, the kindly do-gooder intuitively knew where to begin to achieve this objective and asked, “How about if I get rid of all the sport hunters?” This pleased the1477971_417250565045005_342857083_n boy, so Santa (who has a soft spot for the innocents, like children and animals) put a finger to the side of his nose and sent the hunters straight to Hell.

So if the days seem quieter and the nights more peaceful now, be sure to thanks Santa Claus by setting out an extra glass of hemp milk and plenty of vegan cookies.

And any of you budding young “sportsmen” who got a new hunting rifle, Duck Dynasty tee shirt or entry into the Salmon, ID Youth Wolf and Coyote Derby for Christmas can thank your fathers when you catch up with them in Hell.


(This has been another installment in EtBG’s “Headlines We’d Like to See.”)

How the Grinch Stole Hunting Season

Every hunter
Down in Hunt-ville
Liked hunting season a lot…

But the Grinch,
Who lives just North of Hunt-ville,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated hunting! The whole hunting season!
Now, please don’t ask why. There are many good reasons.
It could be that hunter’s heads weren’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that their belts were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May be that their hearts were two sizes too small.

“They’re cleaning their guns!” the Grinch snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is hunting season! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find a way to keep hunting season from coming!”
For, tomorrow, he knew…

…All the Hunt-girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the hunters, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
They would carve up the body of some poor forest beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn’t stand in the least!

I MUST stop hunting season from coming!
…But HOW?”

Then he got an idea!
A brilliant idea!

“I know just what to do!” The Grinch Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Grinchy trick!
With this coat and this hat, I’ll look just like Saint Nick
And I’ll slide down their chimneys, empty bags in my fist,
And I’ll steal all their fucking ammo!”